Funny Jokes Blog

A ninety-year-old couple decide to get a divorce. They go to the judge and say, “Judge, we want a divorce.” The judge says, “You’ve been married 70 years and now you want to get a divorce? Why did you wait so long? ” The couple say in unison, “Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead.”

A hillbilly walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for divorce. Attorney: “May I help you? ” Hillbilly: “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces”. Attorney: “Well do you have any grounds? ” Hillbilly: “Yea, I got about a hundred acres.” Attorney: “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case? ” Hillbilly: “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.” Attorney: “I mean, do you have a grudge? ” Hillbilly: “Yea, I got a grudge. That’s where I park my John Deere.” Attorney: “No sir, I mean do you have a suit? ” Hillbilly: “Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays.” Attorney: “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything? ” Hillbilly: “No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning.” Attorney: “Well, is she a nagger or anything? !? !? !? ” Hillbilly: “No she’s a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger . That’s why I want this dayvorce.”

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce? ” She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.” “No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case? ” “It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded. “I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like? ” “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.” He said, “Do you have a real grudge? ” “No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.” “Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage? ” “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.” “Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up? ” “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.” Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce? ” “Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, “So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace? ” She says, “Bernie, I want a divorce.” He says, “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

Q. What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a redneck divorce all have in common? A. Someone’s going to lose their trailer…

Staring down from the bench to announce the terms of the divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said: “I’m going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month.” To which the woman’s about-to-be ex replied: “That’s mighty kind of you, judge. I’ll try to help her all I can, too.”

Miss DeAngelo was a none-too-bright young woman who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of becoming a star. She didn’t find fame or glory, but she did encounter plenty of men willing to enjoy her plentiful charms, and soon she found herself called to testify in a divorce case. When it was her turn on the stand, the lawyer came forward. “Miss DeAngelo, the wife of the defendant has identified you as the ‘other woman’ in her husband’s life. Now, do you admit that you went to the Pricerite Motel with this Mr. Evans? ” “Well, yes,” acknowledged Miss DeAngelo with a sniff, “but I couldn’t help it.” “Couldn’t help it? ” asked the lawyer derisively. “How’s that? ” “Mr. Evans deceived me.” “Exactly what do you mean? ” “See, when we signed in,” she explained, “he told the motel clerk I was his wife.”

The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained to the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board. When she had finished, the husband’s lawyer rose to his feet and coolly replied, “Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed ‘bored’.”

Q: How many divorcees does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. The sockets all went with the house.