Funny Jokes Blog

Judge: Are you married? A. No, I’m divorced. Judge. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.

The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first one, “So how do you plead? ” “Not guilty” said the second defendant. “I wasn’t talking to you” the judge replied. “I never said a word” the third defendant replied.

How many judges does it take to change a light bulb? Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him. Just one, but two lawyers have to explain him how to do it.

Judge: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are on dead people.

Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, “You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers.” The man thought for a moment. “What are peers? ” he asked. “They’re people just like you your equals.” “Forget it,” retorted the defendant. “I don’t want to be tried by a bunch of thieves.”

A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me? ” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney? ” She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.” At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”

Judge: All your responses to the questions must be oral. Do you understand? A: Yes Judge: What school did you attend in the fall of 1995? A: Oral.

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,” he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not pass through a red light’ five hundred times.”

A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The lawyer protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the lawyer was willing to change venue to Hell. The lawyer asked: “Why can appeals be heard so much sooner in Hell? ” The devil answered: “We have all of the judges.”

Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer. Justice: A decision in your favor.